Jassper,

• You'll never know it, but yesterday you saved my life. You and God. It's not supposed to be that way, though. I'm supposed to guide and protect you. But here you are, 3 months old, saving your momma. I thought the separation from your dad would be easy. I thought raising you on my own would be easy. I had even once told your dad I didn't need him, and that I just wanted to be with him. Man was I wrong. You see, marriage has a special bond and your daddy and I formed that bond before marriage. We knew frome the beginning we would love and marry one another and nothing would stand in our way. Believe me there were so many obstacles that tried. But when there is a distance in a marriage, it can either make or break itself. And for me, yesterday it nearly broke me. But you, my little man cub, you kept me going because you need me. I see when you scream and cry for others but smile for me. It wouldn't be fair to leave you without a mommy. And more importantly I love you more than life itself. I love you oodles and oodles and bunches and bunches. I allowed fear and doubt to consume my mind yesterday and I urge you to head God's word. He did not create us with the spirit of fear and he doesn't have plans to harm us but to prosper us. But we have the choice to believe God's word or to believe falsehoods. It is always a choice. Know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by our creator and he will are ways be to here for you. When you marry one day it will be your duty to love your wife as christ loved the church and to know that that marriage is binding. Love bears all things the bible says. No matter what, with Christ, you can make love and marriage work. Christ has to be the center of your marriage though. When he isn't, well that's when things go wrong.  Thank you for being my son and giving me purpose. I believe God gave us this time without your daddy to show that I do indeed need him. It isn't just a want. And you, my nugget, you need your daddy too. He is going to set the example of loving a wife as christ loved the church. When ever you feel alone, sad or scared know you always have mommy and daddy and God. Thank you, buddy, for being my blessing and I promise, no I vow to be stronger and better because you need a strong and happy momma. So when I go talk to pastor Kevin each week and pray, know that I am healing and becoming the mommy you need. Jassper, I love you and I am so sorry that I have struggles in your first month's of life, but I will be better.

Love,

Your momma

Our Story

Do you remember our first date? Six Flags, right? I mean how can you forget? But that’s not what I mean. Do you remember meeting each other’s gaze for the first time? You had asked me out before we even spent time with each other in person. You knew you wanted to date me by our conversations on the phone and a picture Autumn sent you of me. When I saw you that day, I wouldn’t move towards you. Actually, once we made eye contact I immediately looked down. Autumn urged me to go say hi to you. Do you remember what I did? I walked about ten steps towards you and I couldn’t make myself move any farther. You had to come to me and start the conversation. I don’t remember the conversation we had, but I remember it was a bit touch and go for a while. Once we got on the bus, we shared your headphones and listened to music. This is when we really started to bond. Do you remember what happened next? You kissed me! We had only just met and you kissed me! There was a lot of kissing on that bus ride. I think it was JT who gave us shit for it. I always said we kissed first at the log flume, but that was just my favorite kiss. You were so sly. You bent down to “tie” your shoe and I waited for you looking around at nothing really. But when you stood up, do you remember what you did? You put your hand on my cheek and you kissed me. Again! We must have kissed a hundred times that day. Our first day spending time together! Oh, I forgot to remind you, I had only had one kiss before you and it was a nightmare. Do you remember that story? I didn’t know how far to tilt my head when kissing and turned my entire head horizontal. You taught me better. Do you remember the McDonald’s? This is when you fell in love with me (according to you). My clumsiness won you over. I was talking with my hands (shocker) and hit your soda. It spilled in your lap, but luckily the lid stayed on it. At our wedding shower, you said this was when you knew you loved me. Do you remember the bus ride home? You tried to make out with me. On our first date! I shot my head back and hit it on the bus window. I made you wait a long time to make out again. Do you remember saying I love you for the first time? We were talking on the phone and I asked you, “Do you think you could ever love someone like me?” You said, “Yes. Could you ever love someone like me?” I said, “Yes.” And you were sly again. You said, “So do you love me?” I said, “Yes. Do you love me?” You said, “Yes.” How middle school were we? Do you remember the start of now, always and forever? If you do, remind me. I do remember it was you that started it. Do you remember our one year anniversary? I wasn’t even keeping track. But you were. 4.20.09. Four days before my birthday. Man, did we get razzed for that day being our anniversary. Do you remember the movie theater that night? I do. Do you remember our first movie? I don’t, but I remember that night. I remember sitting in the back of the car with my mom and grandma in the front seat. I remember freaking out that you were going to stand me up. We were 14 and had to be driven by our mothers. There really wasn’t a way to stand each other up. I wouldn’t trade any of it for a minute. This is our love story. Every twist, turn, speedbump and pothole. I love you and I am so lucky to be your wife.

Coming home

                The car ride there was short. I mean it was only an hour and a half and Jassper of course slept the entire way. In a way, I wished that I could have come alone. Don’t get me wrong, I want Ethan to see his son. It has been four months after all, but there are things I want to do that I can’t while holding a baby. I pull into the base and hand my identification over to the guard.  He scans them and opens the gate. All of a sudden, I start sweating and my heart rate accelerates. I get to see my husband! After four long and lonely months, I finally get to see my husband. Words can’t describe the excitement. But then the worry and doubt sets in. What if I’m not what he wants anymore? What if he doesn’t like what he sees? What if I am raising Jassper in a way that isn’t suitable in Ethan’s opinion?

                I try and shake the fear from my mind and pull up to the building that Ethan said he would be at. There are soldiers everywhere and I am afraid to make a wrong move. I could say the wrong thing. I could do something that is offensive by mistake. I could trip. Well, the last one is the most likely. Hopefully, I don’t trip as I will be holding Jassper. I look in the rear-view mirror and see Jassper still sleeping in his carseat. Good. He is always in good spirits after a nap, but he might be hungry and fussy. I hope he can hold out for me.

                I park and think of all the criteria Ethan has for parking his truck. Straight in the lines with the steering wheel straightened out. Is there something I am missing? Am I going to get grilled on my wrongdoings when he gets in the car? All the trash and coffee cups are gone. I even vacuumed the seats before leaving. Did I do good enough? This is his baby as much as Jassper is. The cell phone charger! I remove the charger from the cigarette lighter and nod to myself. Is there anything else? Probably, but I can’t remember. All of the sudden my mind stops working and I can’t figure out why the damn door won’t open. After a few moments, I realize that I had set my arm on top of the door and pressed the manual lock down. God, I don’t think I am fit to carry Jassper at this point.

                Carefully, I step out of the truck and my foot slips off the rail. I stare at my now rosy shin and close my eyes. Sure. Why not injure myself before seeing Ethan? Oh, hell, he wouldn’t expect anything different. I open Jassper’s door and climb in to unbuckle him. Slobber and spit up cover his outfit and I hang my head. Not even the bib protected him. Ethan is going to think I am neglecting to clean Jassper. Quickly, I dig out an outfit from the diaper bag and step out of the truck with Jassper. I lay him on the back seat and begin undressing him. My son gets this goofy grin and squirms around while naked. He just loves being in only a diaper. I kiss his cheek and put his monkey clad onsie on. Ethan loves monekys.

                Someone taps my shoulder as I finish the re-adjusting the stupid buttons and I jump and scream startling Jassper. I turn around and there, right before my eyes is my husband. My heart skips a beat as I take him in. His curly hair is still missing as is his facial hair. But, God is he handsome as hell. His brown eyes brighten and a smile spreads across his face. Damn, that smile and his beautiful freckles. I can’t believe how much I missed him. I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tight. His arms wrap around my waist and he kisses my head. I look up at him and he looks back. Oh, those eyes. I stand on my tip toes and kiss him long and hard. I don’t care if anyone sees. To hell with PDA. This is my freaking husband and I will kiss him forever if I so please.

                Well, at least until he pulls away and looks at Jassper. Our son is trying to figure out how to roll over the pillow I have him wedged to the back of the car seat with. I smile and let Ethan take in his son. The last time the two saw each other was when Jassper was one day shy of a month old. Four months make so much difference with a baby.

                “Hey, buddy,” Ethan says with a smile. Jassper looks up at his father and grins a giant one toothed smile and reaches towards Ethan.

                Tears well up in my eyes as I watch father and son reunite. Finally, we are a family again. Ethan picks up Jassper and looks at me. “I love you. Now, always and forever.”

                Tears clog my throat, but I nod and say, “I love you too. Now, always and forever.”