Jassper,

• You'll never know it, but yesterday you saved my life. You and God. It's not supposed to be that way, though. I'm supposed to guide and protect you. But here you are, 3 months old, saving your momma. I thought the separation from your dad would be easy. I thought raising you on my own would be easy. I had even once told your dad I didn't need him, and that I just wanted to be with him. Man was I wrong. You see, marriage has a special bond and your daddy and I formed that bond before marriage. We knew frome the beginning we would love and marry one another and nothing would stand in our way. Believe me there were so many obstacles that tried. But when there is a distance in a marriage, it can either make or break itself. And for me, yesterday it nearly broke me. But you, my little man cub, you kept me going because you need me. I see when you scream and cry for others but smile for me. It wouldn't be fair to leave you without a mommy. And more importantly I love you more than life itself. I love you oodles and oodles and bunches and bunches. I allowed fear and doubt to consume my mind yesterday and I urge you to head God's word. He did not create us with the spirit of fear and he doesn't have plans to harm us but to prosper us. But we have the choice to believe God's word or to believe falsehoods. It is always a choice. Know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by our creator and he will are ways be to here for you. When you marry one day it will be your duty to love your wife as christ loved the church and to know that that marriage is binding. Love bears all things the bible says. No matter what, with Christ, you can make love and marriage work. Christ has to be the center of your marriage though. When he isn't, well that's when things go wrong.  Thank you for being my son and giving me purpose. I believe God gave us this time without your daddy to show that I do indeed need him. It isn't just a want. And you, my nugget, you need your daddy too. He is going to set the example of loving a wife as christ loved the church. When ever you feel alone, sad or scared know you always have mommy and daddy and God. Thank you, buddy, for being my blessing and I promise, no I vow to be stronger and better because you need a strong and happy momma. So when I go talk to pastor Kevin each week and pray, know that I am healing and becoming the mommy you need. Jassper, I love you and I am so sorry that I have struggles in your first month's of life, but I will be better.

Love,

Your momma